then and now: how i used to be shy and now i'm not

I used to be painfully shy. I don't know how I made friends at school. I clearly remember sitting on the bus or in class or in the lunchroom, watching other kids socializing and being deathy afraid to say a word to any of them. When I did make friends, it was because someone talked to me first.

Somehow I made friends though, thankfully, because we moved around quite a bit while I was growing up. In second grade, my family moved from Saugus [just north of Los Angeles] to Las Vegas. The house we moved into backed up to a coldesac that was full of kids. It seemed lucky that in the house just behind us was a girl the same age as me. And guess what, we ended up being in the same class at school. We became fast friends and she introduced me to lots of other kids. I'm still so thankful for her.

The summer between 8th and 9th grade, 1999, we moved from Las Vegas to San Diego. That meant I had to start my freshman year of high school at a brand new school in a brand new town. I knew nothing and no one. Looking back on it, I think it was pretty mean of my parents to do that to me [but I've since forgiven them]. I was scared the first day. I got a map as soon as I stepped onto campus and asked each teacher to point me in the right direction to my next class. As lunch time approached, my fear grew. No one wants to sit alone at lunch, but I knew no one. And I didn't want to eat my lunch in a bathroom stall [Mean Girls reference].

I had PE just before lunch. It just so happened that there were several kids in my class who dressed like I did: punk rock. Yeah, we were pretty awesome, heh, heh. One girl came up to me and said [I remember her words ver batum]: "you dress pretty cool. want to sit with us at lunch?" "Oh thank God!" I thought. From that point on, I had someone to sit with. Eventually [and thankfully, because they were very weird] I made other friends, but it took alot of time.

Fast forward to 2005: Ben and I got married the year before, but we were still long distance the entire time because he was in Bahrain. We moved to San Diego in January to report to his new duty station: Camp Pendleton [oh how I miss you so!]. We were in a new place, again, not knowing anyone. Ben, who at the time was exactly opposite of me, made best friends in an hour. He's very outgoing, not afraid to talk to anyone and can't seem to keep people away. They love him and flock to him. He had no problem making friends at work.

I on the other hand still struggled to meet knew people because I was afraid to speak up. Over the next year and a half I did make a few friends, and thanks to Ben and a friend from work, I met one of my best, best friends. I even lived with her family for a while during a deployment.

Fast forward again to 2007: Ben re-enlisted into the Marines after we had spent a year back in Las Vegas. Again, he was stationed at Camp Pendleton [I was not complaining about that!]. This time, I was determined to make things different. This time, I wanted to make good friends, have a community of women that I cared for and who cared for me. I wanted to be able to stay in San Diego while Ben was deployed and not feel alone or disconnected. This time, I learned to speak up.

I immediately got involved in a Growth Group at church that was made up of military wives. I was shy at first, but quickly got to know all of the women in my group. I started hanging out with them outside of church. I went to women's breakfasts every month, sat at tables with people I didn't know and talked to them. I started volunteering at the local Crisis Pregnancy Center and built relationships with the other women there. We also started getting together outside of the PRC.

I volunteered as a High School Small Group leader and met other leaders. We spent time together at meetings, weekly events and camps. I had the awesome responsibility and privilege of leading the same group of young women for 3 years. I became good friends with them as well. Eventually I stepped into a leadership role as a Military Wives Growth Group leader. I communicated with and prayed for every one of the ladies in my groups. I became really good friends with most of them. And it's incredible how God has used them in my life.

Over the course of 4 years, I met and became friends with many awesome, amazing women who I love and adore. Even though many of us live in different parts of the country now, I keep in contact with them all. We don't talk nearly as often as we'd like (most of us have kids and husbands and crazy schedules) but we do talk; even if it's just a quick text: how are things going with you guys? Can you pray for me about this? What was that recipe you mentioned last time?

But had I not forced myself to step outside of me and speak up, I would have never met them. I made the conscious effort to join a small group, to volunteer, to get in my car and head to a breakfast at church, to ask someone to meet for lunch, to make a simple phone call or send an email. Over time, it became second nature.

These days, I'm the lady who strikes up random conversations with the person behind me at the grocery store. Sometimes I get weird looks, but that's okay. I'm definitely not the person I was 10 years ago. And that's not because someone else changed me. It's because I decided to change myself.

Is there something about you that you'd like to see change? Then you have to make the effort to do so. No one else is going to do it for you. Of course, you'll probably have to pray for courage and for the Lord to strip you of your fear, but it can be done. In the end, I bet you won't be disappointed and you'll be richer for it. I know I am. And thankful too: Thank you 22-year-old-Jessi, for doing the hard work back then. I really do appreciate it!



linking up with finding beauty in the ordinary and Casey Leigh

it sure feels like summer around here

I don't know about where you are, but in Texas, it's been feeling like summer for a little while now; which means morning pinics [because the afternoon is just way too hot], walks by the river, pool time, golfing in the backyard, fresh strawberries, and crazy sweaty baby hair!



I hope you're all enjoying the start to summer!!

a speed date with me

Wanted to know more about me? Lucky you! Today, we're going on a speed date:

I was born in New York

I grew up in Southern California and Las Vegas

I met my husband when I was 16 years old

I have a BA in Psychology and I don't owe a penny in student loans. I only went to school when I had the money, a grant or a scholarship. It took about 5 years to finish

My husband served 8 years in the Marine Corps and is now in college (and was just accepted to TCU!!)


[post deployment #5, 2010]

I am pro-life and am very vocal about it. I believe we need to do something about it and don't mind a good debate

I've been thrifting since I was a kid and its one of my favorite things to do, ever

I love a good deal. Because I'm ridiculously frugal

Jesus saved me when I was 12. He's been changing me every day since then, for the better.

I haven't worked outside the home in over 5 years, and I'm proud of it.

When I was growing up I wanted to be a waitress, a teacher, a county coroner, a forensic psychologist, a fashion designer and a politician (yikes!). Once I earned my degree, the only thing I wanted to be was a mom. 3 years later, the Lord blessed me with that position.


[brand new Isaac]

Anything you want to know that I didn't list? Ask below or send me an email and I'll be sure to answer next time!

linking up with this little momma

family date night

Friday was a rough day. Isaac was being difficult. If I wasn't directly involved in what he was doing, he was crying, fussing, or getting into everything he knows he shouldn't. In less than an hour and a half, we had played outside, played in his toy closet, read books, eaten breakfast, eaten snacks, drew with crayons, listened to music and played with toys in the living room. I was exhausted, frustrated and at my whit's end. Nap time could not come soon enough! [and all the moms nod their head]

When my husband came home he could tell I was not a happy camper. And so later that night he wanted to get me out of the house to do something fun. So, for the first time in weeks (other than church on Sunday mornings) I put makeup on, did my hair and got dressed. I felt like a million bucks!

We went to Chipotle (cheap, healthy dinners are the best), wandered the aisles of Toys R Us, chasing a toddler and stopped at Braum's on the way home for an M&M sundae. It was a fantastic end to a terrible day.


[the "after"]


[he has finally learned to drink using a regular straw!]


["look mom! a pirate ship!"
I'm wearing: shirt- garage sale .50cents, pants- Target $3 with coupon, sandals- Target, anchor necklace- thrifted]


[he was very happy with his purchase]


[yum, yum, yum!!]

I'm linking up with a good life and finding beauty in the ordinary

pretending like its myspace in 2005

[temps in the 90's around here means days like these are going to become the norm]

What is the best thing about your job? I get to spend my entire day with the cutest, sweetest boy in the world

Have you ever gone camping? Yep. I come from a camping family. We actually camp at the beach for Thanksgiving every year since I was 7 years old.

What are you doing tomorrow? No major plans. Hang out with a toddler, clean the house, finish laundry, cook dinner. The usual.

Are you on a laptop or a desktop? Desktop.

Where were you 2 hours ago? Cooking Orange Chicken in the kitchen.

What does your hair look like right now? Damp and wavy.

Is your hair naturally curly or straight? Somewhere in between.

Ditched school to do something more fun? That pretty much describes senior year of high school. And by 'something more fun' I mean, breakfast at IHOP.

Played dress up? Who hasn't?

Sang karaoke? Yes. I prefer Spice Girls, Wannabe. That's my jam.

When I look down I see: An ice cream cookie sandwich. Yum!

The happiest recent event was: 'Swimming' in Isaac's baby pool with him today.

If I were a character on 'Friends' I'd be: Mix the quirkiness of Phoebe with the style of Rachael.

By this time next year: Who knows?!

My current gripe is: Anon commenters really should have the guts to show their identity, mostly so I can debate them.

I have a hard time understanding: People. Just people.

Take my advice: Meet Jesus. Give Him all of yourself. And live for His glory. It's worth it.

If you visited the place I was born: You would be on Long Island, New York!

If you spent the night at my house: You'd have to sleep on the couch. This place is small.

Hope you're having a lovely Thursday! And please, tell me something about you.

Oh and if you didn't get a chance already, be sure to check out Erin's post on 50 Shades of Grey and of course, mine from yesterday.

why I won't be reading "fifty shades of grey"

My prayer in writing this has been (yes I've been praying over this post), first of all, that the Lord would give me the words to say clearly what is on my heart and for it to be scriptural. Second, that you would understand that I am not writing this from a place of judgement; I struggle with my own sin just as we all do. But I write this out of concern and because it has been heavy on my heart.

I'm teaming up today with Erin from Sweetness Itself to write about something that we both feel needs to be addressed. Please take the time to read her post tomorrow as well. I also love this post by Alesha at Blessed to be a Blessing. Be sure to check that one out too.

I've noticed a trend recently, among married Christian women. Obviously women love 50 Shades of Grey. Apparently 1 book is sold every second. But what is truly surprising to me is that it isn't just women outside of the church who are buying it, obsessing over it and recommending it to friends. It's women inside the church; women who are in Christ, saved by grace and called to be the light of the earth.

Let's first begin with a brief explanation and synopsis of the book (keep in mind that this is based purely on what I have read about the book and an interview with the author):

This book is characterized as Erotic Fiction.

Anastasia something-or-other is a young college student. Oh yeah, and a virgin. She meets Christian Grey who is older, wealthy and interested in her. The two fall in love and (I don't know if its before or after) they enter into a contract in which he takes care of her completely in return for her being a "submissive" sexually.

The book is based on what is known as BDSM, which refers to "bondage and dominance, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism." Basically, the plot is tied together with a series of graphic bondage sex scenes. When asked, "There's a lot of graphic sex [in the book]?" by the interviewer, the author EL James plainly says, "yes."

There's no denying it: the book "is pornography, plain and simple." At least that's how one man characterized it. When I originally heard about the book, the first thing I wanted to hear was a man's opinion. Let's face it: it's become normal and expected for men to watch and enjoy porn (that's sad and pathetic to me, but it's the truth). Therefore, I wanted to know the opinion of someone who knows pornography when he sees it; someone who porn has been targeting for decades.

Frank writes: "The narrative is comprised of 9 or 10 lengthy yet well-paced sex scenes tied together with some mindless, almost purposefully banal filler..." Wow. Remember what the author said? Those sex scenes are graphic and apparently "well-paced."

"50 Shades of Grey" is pornography for women.

Now before we dissect the rather alarming storyline, we need to address the fact that books like this induce sexual lust. That is their purpose; to cause the reader to get swept up in the story and fantasize about it. The author admitted herself that 50 Shades is a culmination of all of her fantasies (which is quite disturbing, but more on that momentarily).

Pastor Mark Driscoll talks about these types of romance novels in Real Marriage. He says, "They commonly entice sinful lust and cause women to fantasize about sexual sin with all the alluring power of visual pornography for men." In other words, these novels affect women's minds and hearts in the same way that visual porn affects men's mind and heart. It's all porn in God's eyes.

But let's just say for argument's sake that it doesn't cause you to lust or fantasize and you really are just reading it for the storyline (which, let's face it, is exactly like saying you read playboy for the articles). You are still exposing yourself to graphic sex, sinful fornication, sexual immorality.

Ephesians 5:3 is incredibly clear on this point: "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or any kind of impurity... because these are improper for God's holy people" [emphasis mine].

As a Christian, you are called holy; meaning sanctified, set apart, clean and pure! We must not do anything to defile ourselves before the Lord. Jesus says it most simply: "Be holy as I am holy." Consider that Christ lives and dwells in you. Is 50 Shades a book that you would read to your Savior? If not, and I sincerely hope you answered 'no', than it's not a book that He would have you read to yourself.

Now, on to the storyline. Can we talk about bondage for a moment please? Words I never thought I'd type into my blog or say aloud. PS- I'm about to apply my degree in psychology; it could get a little technical.

Recall that the entire novel is based on BDSM, or in layman's terms: bondage. Bondage is basically sadism and masochism in action. Both are considered by psychologists to be paraphilias; "paraphilia being a biomedical term used to describe sexual arousal to objects, situations, or individuals that are not part of normative stimulation and that may cause distress or serious problems for the paraphiliac or persons associated with him or her. A paraphilia involves sexual arousal and gratification towards sexual behavior that is atypical and extreme." [emphasis mine]

The characters in this novel, the ones that readers are obsessing over and fantasizing about, are involved in an "atypical and extreme" way of life, according to medical professionals. There is nothing normal about bondage as a lifestyle. But that is what must be so intriguing about this book to so many. That's also why indulging in it is dangerous and I would even propose, unhealthy.

When reading the description of Christian Grey, I can't help but think of a sexual predator, who grooms his young, naive victims. Not to mention, the reason he is in to bondage is because he was once a victim himself, as an abused child. And Anastasia, like most women in pornography, is dominated by and submissive to the man. This characterization of women is normally criticized as sexist and degrading (when the film is directed by a man for men). But when a woman writes the storyline for women to read, all of a sudden it becomes a fantasy that readers can't get enough of. Double standard?

Either way, it's all wrong. It's all twisted and perverted. It's all porn. It's all impure. And it's all sinful.

The bottom line:

As Christians, we are called to keep the marriage bed pure: "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure" Hebrews 13:4. That means nothing should defile your marriage, especially sex with your spouse. Books like this sear attitudes, expectations, storylines, images and fantasies into your mind that will make their way into your bedroom, whether you like it or not.

As Christians we are called to think on things that are pure: "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything be excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things" Philippians 4:8. Is 50 Shades of Grey true, noble, right, pure, lovely or admirable? Than put your mind to better use and dwell on the things of God instead.

As Christians we are called to live a holy life: "But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written "Be holy as I am holy" 1 Peter 1:15-16. In every single thing that we do, we are to be holy. Of course that's impossible while we still wear flesh on earth, but we can make the right decisions and be self-controlled. We can choose not to read a certain book or watch a certain movie. And by the power of the Holy Spirit, we can put our fleshly desires to death.

As Christians, we are called to guard our hearts and minds: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" Proverbs 4:23. If you have the time, please read this quick devotional about guarding your heart and mind. She writes, "Today I want to encourage you to value yourself and don't just allow anything or anyone, for that matter, to enter your heart. You are chosen, beloved, and special to God and He wants nothing to defile you."

Exposing our eyes, mind and heart to pornography, for any reason, in any situation, is sin. It must be recognized, confessed, repented of and fled from. Christ died for us to be holy and pure. And He is faithful to forgive our sins and cleanse us when we fail (1 John 1:9).

How wonderful that He cares so much for you?; that your value and worth is so great that He wants nothing less than perfect purity for you? And while His call to be holy is impossible by our own strength, and through our own will, there is nothing we cannot do or overcome with Christ in us.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galations 2:20

*Soli Deo Gloria*

linking up with Casey Leigh

over the weekend: trip to Austin and gardening

On Friday afternoon we loaded up the car and headed down to Austin for the night. We stopped at Denny's along the way to relax and let Isaac stretch his legs. When I pulled him out of this carseat, his shorts were soaked. So he went pant-less. And he certainly enjoyed running around outside in the desert!

We stayed just north of Austin in Round Rock at this cute little hotel. We swam in the pool and took advantage of the cable television (since we don't have it).

Saturday morning we got up, enjoyed their very delicious continental breakfast and headed south into town. Our first stop was the Farmer's Market. I bought some super delicious, juicy peaches.

Then we trapsed over to the Austin Children's Museum. Isaac had a blast. He learned how to milk a cow, fished with magnets, gardened, played with geometric shapes, found a giant magnet wall, chased golf balls all over the place and played with magnetic trains. As soon as we got back to the car and buckled him in, he passed out.

We got home Saturday afternoon and enjoyed the rest of the weekend at home. There was lots of gardening. I pulled spinach, cucumbers, and some pretty pathetic carrots. Our okra is getting close! There was delicious pizza, homemade strawberry lemonade and terrible haircuts by dada.

How was your weekend??